like before

i would tell you everything, with a few quivering views of the world and an uncertain voice bound to be cut short by a lack of air. that was what i had done, and somehow with all that has changed in the days since we last saw each other before these past hundred of hours, i have lost the ability to speak my thoughts like i had once did. unabashed and so confident that you can do me no wrong, that you no longer have the power to break me, or bend me, or melt me to a single water droplet. i suppose you hate how i talk now, because you don't have any working spells on me, that you cannot see the way i flinch slightly, with both pleasure, desire and pain, at your touch, however gentle or fleeting. your voice, so ordinary now, so ordinary then too if i had realized it, if i had convinced myself why it was i always mistook his voice for yours. 

so why is it that i still cannot feel strong, that i constantly avoid with a conscious mind the thought of you and me and the moments that used to be?

once not so long ago...

i came close to a red assassin, who stared me down in one second and disappeared within the next two. three seconds, that first day, and i was afraid of him. i avoided that red, passionate and furious man, but he tracked me down-- or maybe i was too easy to find. 

maybe i wanted to be found.

(his anger carries on with my madness.) 

a smile for you, again and again.

to you, old boy,

don't forget your promise. don't forget me, friend. 

if i make 1000 birds, i will make a wish for you, a selfish wish, an old wish, a constant one.

a wish wished out of jealousy and envy, of longing and silly hopes, like a child who stubbornly stomps at her parents' feet, screaming (silently) and crying (falsely). she does not need it. she knew (sometime before) that she did not need it. but she managed, at one point or another, to trick herself into believing that she will lead a miserable life without him.

with love (untrue),

signed yours (invisible).

winding down.

i told them, no, it's nothing. ambiguous to the point of nonexistent. it plopped into the water, and i saw it sinking and disappearing down below, and though my eyes kept staring at where it had been, i no longer bothered to see what was there. i didn't try to find it. maybe because i feared water too much, or maybe because i just didn't care enough. 

happy thoughts, dear.

have fun growing up.

you

i like you. in theory, i should like everything that you are. i don't. and i'm certain you know i don't like all of you. i know that you don't like all that i am, so on that note, we're even. but since i have enough of reality slamming my body and pounding my mind all the time, i'd like to pretend the theories of a perfect world actually do apply in our situation. 

i like you. i like everything that you are. and you like me too, for all that i am. we live together, and we learn to love each other, and it is something that is strong enough to make us accept all the new weaknesses and flaws we find in each other. and we love for a very long time, and can't imagine a time when we are apart. we don't have to imagine that, though, since we never will be apart. i write you tacky post-it notes and stick them everywhere, around the house, on your clothes, beside your plate on the dining table. you'll find one when you open your laptop. and another in your wallet. oh, i took a 20 to buy some groceries and dark chocolate chips for the cookies i plan to bake tonight. you will smile when you see all the cheesy things i do for you, and you'll play along. i will smile at the sight of you, and smile when your lips glide across mine, your scratchy stubble tickling my fingertips as i hold your face to give you an eskimo kiss. i'll kiss you with my eyes open. mouth closed. you remember everything i say, keep your promises and when an emergency causes you to break one, your apologies are the most sincere to reach my ears followed by the sweetest attempt to make it up to me. i tell you the nightmare i just had when i wake up next to you and you will be warm against me. you will tell me what you have told no one else, and i will comfort you like no one else can. you will watch my tears roll down my face and hold me close, and i will coax you to cry softly to save you from drowning.

in this world,  i love you. and you love me. whatever that means.

substitute.

i lusted after your face for a very long time. july or august of last year until just a few weeks ago. that sense of having fulfilled and acquired something you wanted is so human and wasteful. i feel disgustingly tired of myself and the change of moods, minds and desires. witty, beautiful, soft and gentle, laughing, carefree yet all at once too aware of who is looking at you. a face i didn't see when i first met you near the stairs. a face that was different, older, rugged and more hippie than most i've seen. you smiled with faint recognition. i'm not so sure i hid my surprise so well. nice to meet you. yes, you.

i don't remember how our friendship came about. but i vividly remember your picture and my first impression from that picture. as to who first held out a hand to shake through a vast yet intangible, imaginary world of webs, i can't recall. i think it was you, because at that time, i was still too shy to be the first one without having said hello, my name is... in person. so i guess it made me happy to see your hand, invisible in that whole void. i don't know why you reached out. and after all, i don't even really know if you did.

all the different meetings with you, i can't quite piece together. i made myself think for a while that you, and you, and you were different people. but you're only different versions, yes? variations on a melody. yes, i can see the similarities. you are a flower. ordinary, with extraordinary petals here and there. you love me, and you love me not. ditto, darling...ditto.

you wilt in my mind as i escape out through the door you hold open in your heart.