watching you
love and be loved
i have found
the meaning
of paradox.
ways.
i curve my letters the way prostitutes curve their smiles
drunkenly or high
but desperate inside
to get something tonight
more highs ignite more lows
leading the customer by the hand they say
johnny, i'll love you tonight
for a price
and he turns to look at their faces
worn down with inked lines of something ugly
he weighs the soft roughness of their hands in his
with some disgust
but with more lust
he mimics their faces of atonement to the world
afterwards
signed with pity and sundry love and hate,
johnny parted ways.
drunkenly or high
but desperate inside
to get something tonight
more highs ignite more lows
leading the customer by the hand they say
johnny, i'll love you tonight
for a price
and he turns to look at their faces
worn down with inked lines of something ugly
he weighs the soft roughness of their hands in his
with some disgust
but with more lust
he mimics their faces of atonement to the world
afterwards
signed with pity and sundry love and hate,
johnny parted ways.
thanksgiving.
i looked outside my window and it was almost undarkened
with a light bulb reflection floating there
beyond smudged glass panes who glance back at my world
with myopia they who set the border between in and out
of myself there is nothing out there
in this room flooded by three buzzing bulbs of brightness
cold and peeling plastic floor tiles jolt me
awake when i walk across at three and seven
in the night and morning
it took me a while to notice that
of myself there is nothing in here.
outside it grew lighter
until it was lighter
than this room.
with a light bulb reflection floating there
beyond smudged glass panes who glance back at my world
with myopia they who set the border between in and out
of myself there is nothing out there
in this room flooded by three buzzing bulbs of brightness
cold and peeling plastic floor tiles jolt me
awake when i walk across at three and seven
in the night and morning
it took me a while to notice that
of myself there is nothing in here.
outside it grew lighter
until it was lighter
than this room.
talking in a strange room
in a strange group of men and boys
i find myself at ease though
i am scared
bullies and violence do not
only come in the shape of bold unfeelings
in the disguise of school, gangs,
hands and guns
i served up my punch and intimidation
in words
and fed the poison to him;
already, i saw he was weak despite his size
his face covered by a sky blue mask
i saw only his eyes,
big round things that looked almost always
dampened with something deep inside
i asked him
"how do you know you chose your future?"
i said
"how do you know you chose your life?"
and he, so distraught at the sound of those words,
at once began to crumple himself into a ball of paper,
his certainty folded and creased,
his own sharp edges cut paper cuts into his skin
in pain, he looked at me
then looked away
he had no idea what to do now
confronted by the worst bully he'd ever seen
in me, in my words.
i pushed him one more time:
"how do you know you chose to be this way?"
and he fell away from us
somehow
pushing through the reflection glass
he leaped high into the night air
and suddenly
he was two:
one female, one male,
one full-bodied verging on fat,
one so skinny i knew he would never make it
at first, they floated
on the water by the boats,
so peacefully they rested hand in hand,
at ease on the bobbing surface
then
they disappeared
half sunken into the down below
half magically into the unknown
i stood in silence
until i awoke
then grabbed my computer
and typed this out.
in a strange group of men and boys
i find myself at ease though
i am scared
bullies and violence do not
only come in the shape of bold unfeelings
in the disguise of school, gangs,
hands and guns
i served up my punch and intimidation
in words
and fed the poison to him;
already, i saw he was weak despite his size
his face covered by a sky blue mask
i saw only his eyes,
big round things that looked almost always
dampened with something deep inside
i asked him
"how do you know you chose your future?"
i said
"how do you know you chose your life?"
and he, so distraught at the sound of those words,
at once began to crumple himself into a ball of paper,
his certainty folded and creased,
his own sharp edges cut paper cuts into his skin
in pain, he looked at me
then looked away
he had no idea what to do now
confronted by the worst bully he'd ever seen
in me, in my words.
i pushed him one more time:
"how do you know you chose to be this way?"
and he fell away from us
somehow
pushing through the reflection glass
he leaped high into the night air
and suddenly
he was two:
one female, one male,
one full-bodied verging on fat,
one so skinny i knew he would never make it
at first, they floated
on the water by the boats,
so peacefully they rested hand in hand,
at ease on the bobbing surface
then
they disappeared
half sunken into the down below
half magically into the unknown
i stood in silence
until i awoke
then grabbed my computer
and typed this out.
infection/forced recovery.
let it grow
back
i have no choice
my ear is
a fucking mess
throbbing
with the pulses
of my life beat
oozing
discharged in
white shit
yellow shit
dumb shit like this
i get myself into
i get myself out
i paid in pain
paid full in time
i keep paying for myself.
back
i have no choice
my ear is
a fucking mess
throbbing
with the pulses
of my life beat
oozing
discharged in
white shit
yellow shit
dumb shit like this
i get myself into
i get myself out
i paid in pain
paid full in time
i keep paying for myself.
this is no dark room.
lady,
i will bother you no more:
from your face
i let my gaze go,
from your shoulder
i let my hand slip
from today,
i will not be the rescuer:
the savior who bears until
everything drops,
the one who gives softness
while taking blind slaps
in the dark,
you will find yourself:
do not despair for fear
for your being,
let your feet fall
where they may
in the moments of uncertainty,
you will decide:
how to take the needles
you step into,
how to master one's reactions
against such unfair game
you alone,
and alone you will be:
be your savior
as you rescue yourself,
by opening your eyes
you will see:
this is no dark room.
lady,
lift your misleading lids:
you need no looking glass,
only time to adjust;
you need no help
beyond yourself
but lady,
be aware:
there are some things
you will not ever see;
eyes wide open
still cannot perceive
though here,
you are not alone:
we are all blind
in the end;
yet we try still
to leave this room.
i will bother you no more:
from your face
i let my gaze go,
from your shoulder
i let my hand slip
from today,
i will not be the rescuer:
the savior who bears until
everything drops,
the one who gives softness
while taking blind slaps
in the dark,
you will find yourself:
do not despair for fear
for your being,
let your feet fall
where they may
in the moments of uncertainty,
you will decide:
how to take the needles
you step into,
how to master one's reactions
against such unfair game
you alone,
and alone you will be:
be your savior
as you rescue yourself,
by opening your eyes
you will see:
this is no dark room.
lady,
lift your misleading lids:
you need no looking glass,
only time to adjust;
you need no help
beyond yourself
but lady,
be aware:
there are some things
you will not ever see;
eyes wide open
still cannot perceive
though here,
you are not alone:
we are all blind
in the end;
yet we try still
to leave this room.
storm season.
i shit showers of slow pain
rain that digs up buried dirt
soaked in yesterday's blood
sinking in sinks
without boundaries
the overflow of quandaries
and i am wondering about
little things like
this
when you wrap a scarf around my neck
call it rescue
call it warmth
it shelters me not from
the flood that comes
when you leave
no clothes can cover me
i am the blood beyond
flowing at your touch and absence
i am the storm season
no one foresaw
i am the pain
surrounded by pleasure
i am what you
made me out to be
yet
born alone
i will die alone
counting from one to zero
i go from little
to none at all.
rain that digs up buried dirt
soaked in yesterday's blood
sinking in sinks
without boundaries
the overflow of quandaries
and i am wondering about
little things like
this
when you wrap a scarf around my neck
call it rescue
call it warmth
it shelters me not from
the flood that comes
when you leave
no clothes can cover me
i am the blood beyond
flowing at your touch and absence
i am the storm season
no one foresaw
i am the pain
surrounded by pleasure
i am what you
made me out to be
yet
strangled
by the pulls of your scarf
i drown
born alone
i will die alone
counting from one to zero
i go from little
to none at all.
details.
a shawl to cover my goosebumps
my chickenskin
to cover my face red
with your slap
i mean
i mean
not anything
at all
sometimes
it feels good
to stand alone
to know
i can
stand alone:
but tell me you are
coming soon.
can you slow down? let me hear what you are saying.
say, can you slow down?
can you slow down
so i can hear
what you are saying
so i can understand
what you are saying
so we can communicate
so we can talk
so we can laugh about it and admit our mistakes
and think things through
so we can
hold hands
and smile
and kiss with our lips each other's soft parts
so we can comfort and hold
in times of fear
so we can love
so we can like
so we can accept our selves
and embrace what we can
so we can breathe without anger
so we can breathe without fear
so we can live so
we can live
happily
so we can say
life is good
so we can say
life is worth living
say life is worth living
say life is worth dying for
say can you slow down?
say, can you slow down?
can you slow down
so i can hear
what you are saying
so i can understand
what you are saying
so we can communicate
so we can talk
so we can laugh about it and admit our mistakes
and think things through
so we can
hold hands
and smile
and kiss with our lips each other's soft parts
so we can comfort and hold
in times of fear
so we can love
so we can like
so we can accept our selves
and embrace what we can
so we can breathe without anger
so we can breathe without fear
so we can live so
we can live
happily
so we can say
life is good
so we can say
life is worth living
say life is worth living
say life is worth dying for
say can you slow down?
i read the toenails on your feet
i read the scars on your knees
i read your forehead wrinkles
the eyes that never twinkled
i read your palm
the unclear lines
i read the sweat
on your neck
i read your lips
the open, the close,
the muted sound--
i read
the blanks in the room.
i read it all
your mind unmoved
i tried
but did not understand.
i read the scars on your knees
i read your forehead wrinkles
the eyes that never twinkled
i read your palm
the unclear lines
i read the sweat
on your neck
i read your lips
the open, the close,
the muted sound--
i read
the blanks in the room.
i read it all
your mind unmoved
i tried
but did not understand.
weekend abstract.
friday--
i crushed my toe
trying to draw out the dying drawer
when i pulled
i pulled too hard
and it fell out
on my left toe.
saturday--
chatter in the next room
friends that aren't mine
talk
friend that might be mine
came
and left.
sunday--
hoping to land safely
gains faithful certainty
lies die
and truths arrive.
i crushed my toe
trying to draw out the dying drawer
when i pulled
i pulled too hard
and it fell out
on my left toe.
saturday--
chatter in the next room
friends that aren't mine
talk
friend that might be mine
came
and left.
sunday--
hoping to land safely
gains faithful certainty
lies die
and truths arrive.
sunday thoughts.
i will
let you go
because you will go
you will go
because you have gone
you have gone.
let you go
because you will go
you will go
because you have gone
you have gone.
say what?
so i say stuff
and you say
no, that's not
how it goes
so i shut up
and stare
into your face
as blank as mine.
and you say
no, that's not
how it goes
so i shut up
and stare
into your face
as blank as mine.
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