so.

i stood.

i watched.

i leaned a little to the side

to catch the speckle that is you

walking out,

unto the path,

or across the grass,

or into the sky

surrounded by clouds.

you.

my goodness.

you.

i played myself.

and what an awful prank.

how many times have you used those lines?

have you got any more tricks up your sleeve,

with those cards,

or is it all in your eye, your chuckle,

damned smiles and twinkling eyes?

stay away from me.

i don't want your words,

because even your hellos

sound like trash you're throwing away.

sweet delicious trash,

i don't want it.

i want to shut a hundred doors in your face,

and i promise that this anger would shatter

glass, splinter

wood, melt

metal.

and i promise that i will keep this anger

far away from you,

because i will no longer seek you out,

and i will tell lies and

i will say that these strings of words

are not for you,

they're not

they're not

they never were, 

and never will be.

i will keep my anger

because you don't deserve it.

you don't deserve anything from me.

you and i are

a waste of time.

stay away, because i will burn.

and it would be sad

if you burned away too.

keep the change.

playing in the cold.

air all around

and not a breath to spare.

the warmth of your room

i cannot afford,

i've tried and paid once

with more than i had.

my pockets are empty,

torn and unmended,

and both refuse my requests

to keep anything i'd had.

it's funny, you see.

i had the idea as a child

that i would find you,

and here i am,

thinking, believing i have.

i kept pennies of luck,

sweet nickels and dirty dimes,

quarters of myself,

i saved, you see!

you're the wish

that finally broke my piggy bank.

i waited, for you.

i gave, and you still aren't mine.

but that's okay.

i can be happy,

knowing that you are there,

knowing that i found a

childish memory of mine in you,

knowing that though you won't stay,

i won't stay either,

that as you forget,

i'll forget too.

phone call.

hi.

i told my dad about you today.

everything, almost.

everything that i know about you,

about how you put smiles

on my face and in my heart.

the way i pay for this happiness

in tears of frustration.

the way you love,

the way you fear,

how you want

but cannot get.

your weakness, hidden

behind gilded strength.

your fatigue and constant waiting,

your expectation for great joy

and great pain, 

your hope for only the first

and not the latter.

how you talk to me...

darling,

dad disapproves.

not of you.

of me.

he told me 

not to wish for things i cannot have.

love, he said, is like shopping.

if you pick what you desire the most,

you often cannot pay for it.

he told me

not to buy things i cannot afford.

he told me,

dear daughter,

you do not know him

all that well,

you do not yet see

aspects that you do not like.

he told me

i'd better stay away from you

as much as possible,

as long as possible.

he told me

not to stay here

to go back home

where i will not see you.

he said it will be better for me,

and for you.

i know that he's right.

i wonder if the summer is long enough

for me to wash and rinse you off.

a little more than an unlucky odd number of months-

they're all i have

until... goodbye, goodbye.

a nap

i move over a little,

your head falls on my shoulder,

a snowflake on a windless day.

i say, what's wrong?

you say, everything.

everything.

i rest my head on yours.

i say, i love you.

i hear you breathe.

i lift my head,

look at your face,

beautifully sad.

i touch my lips to your brow,

to your nose.

i see a weak smile,

i spot some glitter at the corner

of your closed, wincing eyes,

and i kiss those eyes,

and my chapped lips

hurt and sting you and me a little.

i love you, don't you know,

don't you know...

someone taps me

on the shoulder you were resting on.

i look at the shape of a body 

standing before me,

i see two, or three...

you okay? it asks,

you're crying, you know.

you must have been having

quite some dream, it said,

and this couch is probably

not the best place to sleep.

i love you, do you know,

do you know...

thoughts of you

so heavy, i fall.

what do i do

when sleep finally comes,

and all it does

is remind me of you? 

don't be so cold,

can you...

leave me alone?

can i

let you?

now.

you ask,

i answer.

you ask,

i answer.

with a smile of good old times,

with a few tears of some bad years.

you ask,

i answer,

because you want to know,

and i want to know too.

what do you think happened

in this past of mine? i ask,

you answer.

you solve these puzzles

in my head.

i haven't found

someone else who can.

these questions are defining me,

the answers, untangling.

i tell my stories,

of where i was born,

of who i think i am,

of what i choose to be.

you listen (or seem to).

yes. history

of past, present and future

can be a bore

in a world obsessed with time...

i do not answer,

because already you know

what i would say.

if anyone could,

it's you.

no secrets i promised,

no secrets i keep.

(how can it be unknown,

when the secret

is you?)

in april

the rain comes,

the flowers bloom,

and too quickly

they fall. 

like scented snowflakes

flittering down,

some are scattered near,

though some are far.

i hope those

like their solitude,

because it might be

awfully painful

to wither away,

alone.

i saw two ants 

and saw the bit of cracker

they managed to carry.

back and forth they moved

as i took pictures of their efforts

to take the loot away.

i watch as the little birds bounce,

the clouds take their slow promenade.

i watch a fly climb a window pane.

i hear shuffling flip flops,

the whirring of the water fountain,

i hear water.

i hear someone drinking water.

i feel happy.

i feel lonely.

i feel i am thirsty.

in the month of 

flickering candles,

of mothers and fathers,

of beauty pageants, 

photos and plays,

i see people walking,

running,

i see people laughing,

crying,

i see people reading

and writing.

i see love go about,

i hear its whisper...

and i smile.

today

i wanted to post song lyrics on your door.

i wanted to write below,

will our smiles last a lifetime?

i wanted to make happiness yours.

instead i settled, for

infinite wishes that will surely give you more.

you see,

it's difficult for me

to return your favor.

because i can't sweeten

your day,

your thoughts-

because i can't bring tears to your eyes,

or take away hopes of the heart-

because i can't hurt you.

because even if i could,

i wouldn't. rather,

to have a moment of

you and your childish ways,

with you i'd play,

and bruises i'll have and keep

to myself, it's nice to have

something to remember you by.

if you ask me,

my head would respond,

up and down,

side to side,

and if you knew me well,

you'd know which was untrue

(you'd know me better than i myself).

i found the lyrics,

looked at them

once

twice

and realized, some things are better

left undone.

"you'll be older too

and if you say the word

i could stay with you"

mother

she said she didn't understand

why i cared so much for her thoughts.

she doesn't understand?

half of me is her,

gentle, caring,

a fragile heart,

a vulnerable mind,

easily scared,

always worried,

sometimes with love

like a hug

that can break you in two.

she says i am her all,

everything she will give

for anything i will take.

vicariously, she goes about

stuffing my pockets with sweets.

savory too is my life--

she saved and said,

"salt and pepper 

make it all a little better,"

and gave me twice

what i needed.

is bitter better?

now

i won't take this from you.
it's too much,
it's too heavy,
it's a burden
that i cannot carry.
put it away,
things can be sweet without it,
i pinky swear it.
i don't drink,
i don't smoke,
and this,
well, dear,
this is as strong as they come.
a little makes you want more,
makes me lose my mind,
makes you break my heart.
then, so soon,
we'll look back and see
our shadows disappearing
into the water puddles,
slowly marred by small rain drops,
caps of bottles of soda pop.

plop plop plop
our history says,
let's watch it
evaporate away.

false.

truth.
lies.
with time,
they will be
false,
real.
now,
they are living proof
of the fact that nothing
stands still.

do you want it to stay?
honey,
the glue has diluted
with humid air and years.
the tape has torn and split,
the picture fragmented,
the words shattered-
illegible.
please, dear,
won't you please stop?
it can't be fixed,
and your frantic hands,
and your glazed eyes
(about to spill),
and your words of foolish hope,
are all signs of silenced sobs,
it hurts me to see
your broken mind...

is it painful to live in this void?
are you sad to be alone?
has she left you to yourself?
i watch you as your smile droops,
(should i send mine to ensure its return?)
your head shakes,
your mind wants escape.
sitting by the window, you stare
as someone else's tears fall and run
down the glass.
clear,
fragile little things,
drops of expired happiness,
i see they are just like
the ones on your face.
how odd,
you are crying
miniature pieces of yourself.
do you want to feel lighter?
are these flawless crystals
weighing you down?
darling, i'm asking, won't you
share them with me?

a lifetime,
you said.
years had gone by,
promises
both made and broken.
months
of unanswerable questions.
days
of doubts.
hours
of happiness.
minutes
of connection.
seconds
of everything.
moments
of lost and found.
hello after goodbye,
kisses after tears,
me after you after me.