...: 08.09

i was in a school. for some project, or competition, or academic stupidity. or i might have been confined there for life. "life." i was a simulated game character. i aged in a couple of days, and was an old nana by the time the accident--no. it was planned. they planned to start a catastrophic fire or whatnot and turn a portion of the population of the students--residents--into zombies. i was among those who did not turn into zombies. we were told to go into reserved rooms. and stay there. and when we tried to escape, i was no longer an old nana. (my mom said that at this point the story had already changed.) but we were still in the same school. the same situation. we found the window-doors to outside, but the outside was surrounded by policemen and zombie-students and their parents, all enclosed by a high fence. we went back inside, hoping that the zombie-affiliates did not that notice us, but once back inside, a group of zombies pushed open our door and clawed and charged their way at us oh my God save us please even if i no longer truly fully believe in you save us save me. but the zombies didn't get us. we waited in silent surrender, having no idea what to do. i decided to call my mother, and told her rushedly, "ma, i love you. i'm in trouble. you'll probably read it in tomorrow's newspaper," and hung up. and for some reason, we began to file outside through the open half of the window-door because they were releasing us by pairs. R said that we have to go out in pairs, and he assigned the pairs, and i was assigned to him. and even though i heard him say the assignments, i never really heard him say mine and due to the stress-fear-anxiety, i went ahead and followed the couple before me. half way through the yard, i panicked when i realized that i was unpaired. looking back behind me, R was furiously catching up with me, muttering but daring not to attract attention to himself. we all just wanted to get out. i dropped back behind a few steps to level with him, but when i saw that the girl in front of me was partnerless after some people were freed, i--without thinking--paired myself up with her, and left R behind. his hand tried to pull me back, and sensing his anger triggered my guilt. why had i moved up so quickly--so automatically? i wanted to live. i was scared. i was just thinking, i need to get out of here, get out of here and in that moment, we were all freed. we started running running running until we were all almost gliding, our feet touching the ground only every now and then. we leaped, we covered distance, and we got out of there. while we ran-leaped-flew, i called my dad, but he was busy, so i called my mom, and my cousin picked up the phone and wanted to practice english with me. frustrated, still very tense and shell-shocked, i hung up and realized, i've left my backpack behind. i decided to just concentrate on running, when suddenly, R looked at me and said, "why are you running so fast and ahead of us?" so i slowed down a bit, and R made a quick gesture with his hands as if he were holding a carriage whip and speeded ahead. i overheard a female in another group close behind us as they said, "see, he's using them," and moved her chin towards us. still, we ran on. then i spotted a corner deli and that green globe signifying subways and maybe a bus sign or not; i shouted, "SUBWAY! SUBWAY! THAT WAY!" and we all shifted our direction. we ran down the stairs and filed in after orderly swiping our metrocards...since i had lost my wallet along with my backpack, i asked if R could swipe me in, and he complied quite nicely. which made me feel uneasy. but i got into turnstile gate and pushed, and found myself on the other side, sure with the feeling that i would get home soon.

but things would not be so easy. as we waited for the trains to come, i realized that there were only about four cars to a train, and that at least one car was always defective or dangerous--bombs, or other hazards. after watching three trains pass, and mass amounts of people migrate from one car to another, i was scared not knowing which step would be my last. just then, the lights dimmed and turned out, and a stranger reached at me and tried to hold on to a part that he grabbed at, but i turned around and saw J racing up the stairs. i guessed that she was trying to go to the other platform, and decided to follow her. not knowing why i saw the stairs seeing as to how all the lights were off, i questioned nothing and thought about almost nothing as i ran up the stairs as fast as possible behind J. as we reached the bridge-floor to the staircase leading the other floor, i felt myself float up and lose all pull of gravity. my body slammed on the yellow-black-striped and uneven ceiling, and tried to use the metal ridges to help myself move forward. i had the sense that someone else was behind me--perhaps R--but all i could do now was move faster. so i tried to, and i kept bumping and gliding along until i reached the stairs and swooshed down to the other platform. at this point, my eyes lost the track on J, and moved to a few scattered toy bunnies of different colors and position, left on of what seemed to be a salesman's blanket. each came with a foot massager. i picked up a bunny--can't remember its color or position with certainty now--and saw that a young man who was standing next to me also picked the same kind. he acknowledged that to me, and i responded with "yeah...i always thought they were the cutest." and as we felt the heated wind rush toward us, propelled by an incoming train, i saw him put the foot massager down on the table. after thinking about it (some of the few instances of mental processing in this dream), i decided that putting down the foot massager would be a rational choice, since it would be awkward and inconvenient to carry it on to the train. i put it down, hugged my bunny close, and stepped on the train, flooded by light.

i woke up.

"mom?"

when the moments came to her, she felt like stopping--pausing--freezing--

but like a helpless and damaged fledgling, she knew she could not clasp unto even the briefest illusions of being happy.

when falling, she would see something that grabbed her eyes, her fingertips, or her heart, and she would try to name it, call it, or grab it. her mouth would try to give sound to the frustration incurred within her due to the falling that would not stop its motion: the falling that would not decelerate and accommodate her desire to touch something, or to feel something touch her. further silent mourning grew as she replayed that moment on the hill, when the crumbling rocks finally crumbled, taking her foot and body with them...and before the crumbling rocks crumbled, the hill had sunk, had broken, had slid...and before that...the wind pushed, but she remembered now that even if the wind hadn't pushed so strongly, she was there, on the top of the hill, determined: to step forward, and off.

there came a time when, after she had fallen for a long time, the blurs began to transform into shapes before they moved out of her field of view. then, after another long time, the shapes began to elicit movements within her that she had forgotten existed. she saw things that were once familiar to her, and her mind began to long for them again. those shapes reminded her of flicks of happiness and dots of unhappiness and shades of normal. yet, if she allowed her mind to go there, where normal was being strapped down and dissected by shifting fingers and busy questions, these shapes would all disappear into a haziness that hid everything away.

then those everythings would pass along more quickly than ever before, and the blurs mashed into each other until they were just a dull, tranquilized darkened wall. she was still falling, but she no longer knew how fast she was going without the spaces between the blurs to tell her how much of that everything she's missed.

~suicide of a different sort, part 3.

...

...

OPEN, eyes, open.

thoughts.

the end, for now.

never free.

the past