paintings.

my father once told me,

i think we did one thing wrong.

i think, if every time we gave you something,

we should have told you

that it is only being loaned to you.

if you know that it didn't belong to you,

you wouldn't mind if we took it away.

dad was right,

of course.

if i never had anything called mine,

it wouldn't have been a thing

for it to disappear.

i wouldn't have cried,

because i'd expect it to go

any time, any time.

paint me a picture,

don't dedicate it to me.

whisper in my ear,

about her and her love.

write me a song,

let me hear it twice.

deja vu,

i'll call it all a dream.

carefully disappear,

i'll pretend i don't know

what emptiness is.

the landing.

i sit,

and you sit too.

he sits.

she sits.

and he sits too.

downstairs,

someone turns on the t.v.

and i stop and listen.

i think it's sports.

people upstairs walk down

the steps,

they're looking at me,

i know

and at you,

at him and her and him,

and the books we have.

i drink some water,

and look at your hand,

listening to the piano music

coming from down the hall...

then i remember

i have work to do.

something new, something old

something

or someone that is you.

i need a boy,

not a man,

because boys can't hurt

quite as much,

forgetting easily

so that only goodness

remains.

forgiving boys

is as natural as

melting snow,

since i know

snow only lasts

for as long as winter stays.

someone old,

someone new,

this winter

i need you.

exit.

i'll say hi

just because you did,

because i can't be

that bitch that everyone hates.

because they like you,

and i no longer do.

i wish you could shut up now,

you have nothing new to offer,

and i don't know why 

you're still hanging on.

my views won't change,

they're so plain and base

that i am bored by my own mind.

close your mouth,

what do you expect?

that i should still serve you

my heart on a plate?

no, diminished darling,

my lies i reserve for you,

to boost your ego.

i hope it explodes.

happily tired,

i am fully capable now

of detesting you.