ouch

always a bit scared,

of things gone wrong,

of goodness spent,

or maybe

it's because everything

disappears when i say,

stay, stay,

i don't want to be here

by myself...

i like the rain,

sometimes i wish

it could keep pouring down,

so no one would go outside,

and i would feel safe

and warm and dry,

inside, settled in my spot

with a blanket,

with music playing,

or with friends talking,

with people walking by

while the water's running

down the windowpanes.

if i feel lonely,

i'd go out and feel

what it's like to be soaked,

and i'd realize that the way

my neck and shoulders shiver

is a sign of my inside

trying to escape,

to float away,

but i tell it, no, no,

you have to stay, stay,

i can't be here alone,

not on a starless rainy night.

and i wait,

for the time when 

it all rushes to my head,

as i hang upside down 

from my bed,

my hair touching the floor,

and i close my eyes

wondering what would happen

if things got erased then and there.

no happy memories to recall,

no sadness to frown upon,

wouldn't that be wonderful?

i burned my hand yesterday,

and remembered why i stayed away

from the kitchen for so long.

i ran my hand under cold water,

but it wasn't icy enough.

i still felt it drilling,

the burn was digging 

from inside my finger,

trying to find a way out.

i shook my hand vigorously,

cursed thrice and wanted 

to flick the pain away.

then my computer died,

and i couldn't even make

the music stay with me

for a little while longer,

and you went too

when the screen darkened.