just one question, for now.

i am wondering what would happen if i left college, now. 

i will probably not return to higher education. i will disappoint my parents. i will disappoint myself. i will regret it fully when i see that i should have just stopped being weak and pulled through it all. i will imagine what graduation would have looked like. 

and how my gown would fit. 

and how the tassel would get in my face. 

and how my parents would sit there, not knowing most of the things the speakers would say, my father snapping away with the camera even though he knows (yes, he knows well) i do not like it. 

they will embarrass me, and i will be angry, and i will forget. 

i will take pictures with my friends and acquaintances, 

in our sundresses, and button-down shirts. 

and diplomas and smiles.

i will hug them, and prepare to lose touch with half.

i will cry.

i am wondering what would happen if i left college now.

i will probably find a job. i will probably keep myself alive, with or without welfare and handouts. i will buy groceries and remember to love coupons again. i will learn to ignore. i will live my life, because God and my parents have given me life, and i think they love me. i will still find moments of laughter. i will still have friends, if not the same ones. i will find bits of happiness. 

and mother and father will retrace their steps as i wander to find my way. 

father will frown and sigh and in fits, suddenly outraged (when other things are on his mind too, when they are raining down on him), he will shout and shout and curse. 

maybe at me. 

maybe at mother. 

maybe at me and mother.

mother will sob, and begin to slap her own face again, asking what her mistake was this time, and how she can correct it (she can't). 

my insides will be stretching far apart, i will suffocate to breathe, but i will breathe.

i will cry.

i can probably do it. 

but i know only this:

i will cry. and i will cry.