sinful human #9.

when i was a child, i did not understand my mother, my father, all the big words they used. 

i still don't. i don't use long words.

i am...19, 2 months, barely 16 days. i wanted to think 18, but realized that would be a lie. i'd wanted to lie about my age when i was 17. no, 14.

and when i drank, i knew that i was older.

and when i was older, i laughed.

and when i laughed, i knew i was crying.

and when i cried, it was all a joke.

this is right.

that is right. 

and God is still so right, i love You, God. 

but i think you made the wrong decision. you probably didn't. 

but i think you did.

and then i spun myself around, to imitate the earth turning turning. 

to the east. around a hot thing. so small. round and round we go.

the sun rising like yeast. east.

then i fall. i make myself fall. my brain wasted. 

my body wasted. "no good this no good."

(it believes my lies. do you believe my lies?

i believe them.) i killed my cells.

my cells kill my cells. 

the blood i let out.

oh, Father, father. i'm sorry. 

i'm sorry.

let me walk home alone.