dedicated to you

dedicated to someone who is alive and something that is dead. dedicated to your words and foolish, ignorant jokes and to my responses that i wish could be said not in jest and in a different tone. to the times where you thought i was a girl having fun playing around with ideas and simple scenarios and i wish you knew just how much i wanted it to be real. all that is in the past, all that we have left now, is more than i ever thought i could get. an indifferent happiness.

on our funeral day the birds will sing, not for you, but for themselves. you wanted it that way, i was told, and so it is. they will sing in chirps and shrills, they will show off their mating calls in hopes of finding the means to reproduction. and birth. it all ends with birth. and while these birds sing, for themselves, the weeping willow will dance, for you and your soul. your body will be left alone, perhaps next to mine, or perhaps far away, but it all does not matter because everyone will be watching your soul and trace its journey. they will lose track of you sometime, at a given moment when you decide that you want to disappear and reappear and then fade away. they will be puzzled, but only for a while, and after that, they will forget you as they have forgotten me long ago. i don't know who will remember me but that is of no importance because i will have gone, while they remain, to a place they won't ever reach. no, it is not heaven. i do not know if my name is written down in that Book. i do not know my name. i have too many. i have none. on our funeral day, as the birds sing for themselves, as the willow dances for you and your soul, the sun will break because it does not know whether to rise or set and the stars will dance, invisible to the world. in the sunless day and the moonless night, you will do whatever spirits do, you will move like the ghosts who pass through everything and everyone while leaving nothing but a cold shiver and odd confusion. if on your curious journey you should feel the wind pass by, smile for yourself and for me because that wind, that wind will be me.